Let me be clear: I had no interest in watching this show. When I saw the trailer two months ago — back in the normal, non-COVID-19 world — you couldn’t have paid me any sum of money to sit on my couch and earnestly watch “The Bachelor: Listen to Your Heart.” If this was a …
Let me be clear: I had no interest in watching this show. When I saw the trailer two months ago — back in the normal, non-COVID-19 world — you couldn’t have paid me any sum of money to sit on my couch and earnestly watch “The Bachelor: Listen to Your Heart.” If this was a normal Monday, I’d be doing absolutely anything else with my life.
But it’s not, and a month into the coronavirus quarantine, I have run out of content. So here we are. It’s officially the darkest timeline.
After one episode, this spin-off is … not that terrible! It doesn’t look like “The Bachelorette” is happening anytime soon, which should postpone “Bachelor in Paradise,” the best show of the franchise. This may be all we get this year, and the first episode could have been a lot worse.
The premise is similar to “Paradise” in that each episode has an uneven number of men and women, and the outnumbered gender gives out roses, sending the ones who don’t get one home. Except there’s music, and they’re supposed to find love with each other through song. It’s kind of like “A Star Is Born.” Or at least that’s what ABC wants me to write, considering they reference the movie four times in the first 51 minutes.
Let’s meet the contestants! There’s Diet Anna Kendrick (Jamie, a 21-year-old who has been on “a thousand dates”); Diet Shawn Mendes (Ryan); Hotter Jed Wyatt (Trevor), Diet Paris Jackson (Savannah, a self-described “wild child”); Jason Momoa, But Make It Texas (Sheridan); Fauxhawk Adam Goldberg (Matt), and an assortment of other singing singles. Everyone is hot and has pipes. It’s like going to a party, and there’s a good-looking dude playing the guitar and hamming it up in front of the ladies — but that’s everyone at the party.
Continuing with all of the traditional “Bachelor” rhythms, there’s an opening-night cocktail party. The most entertaining moment comes from Michael Todd, who sleazes it up to the extreme. He debuts his “song” called “Hot Touch,” which is less of a song and more of a trashy ASMR video.
He’s not done. Thirty seconds into his conversation with Savannah (after some god-awful beatboxing), he says, “I like your lips,” then raises his right eyebrow and leans in for a kiss. I was screaming too loud at the TV to hear what she said in return, but rest assured, she did not kiss him.
Jamie and Ryan are the first two to make a connection, mostly because they’re the first two in the house. Jamie is instantly into him, but she is then even more instantly into Trevor when he walks in. It’s very clear that this love triangle is going to be a main plot thread of the show. She’s thrilled that she might find the love of her life, because she’s been “waiting for this moment for so long.” A reminder: She’s 21 years old.
After they see their rooms and Chris Harrison explains the rules — everyone seems shocked when he mentions the men outnumber the women, because counting is hard! — they get back into it. Julia, who was born with cystic fibrosis and runs a music therapy non-profit, becomes a hot commodity. Sheridan is into her, but so is Brandon, and he comes in with the first “Can I steal you?” scenario of the night. He soon follows it with the first make-out of the night, and when he’s done, he whips out his guitar. If you find serenades annoying, you might as well turn this show off now.
Jamie is back talking to Shawn Mend … I mean, Ryan, and it’s going well. He leans in for a kiss and she obliges. What’s not going as well is Matt’s hot tub dip with Rudi, a 24-year-old who has dated “all of Hollywood.” He asks her if she “judges a person on how they kiss,” which is probably the second-worst attempt at seduction of the night, and Rudi suggests they wait. Meanwhile, the guy who claims the worst seduction attempt, Michael Todd, is at it again with Bri. He asks if she wants to go in the hot tub, and she says she needs to go to the bathroom. Oof.
Jamie, the most sought-after 21-year-old in “Bachelor” land, is now in the hot tub with Trevor, who is everything Jed from Hannah B’s season wishes he was. (Side note: Jed probably should have just stayed with his girlfriend for another year and waited to come on this show.) They start making out, and it gets steamy. Body language says she’s way more into him than Ryan — he seems more confident, while Ryan is the nice guy. More on that later.
The next morning, everyone is hanging out, singing and playing instruments. (Another side note: Imagine living next door to this house, with 20 musicians and unlimited alcohol: so much drunken singing.) Ryan gets the first date card and predictably takes Jamie, who agrees to the coupling but is visibly conflicted.
The date is pretty much music porn. They go to the Capitol Records building, where they record “Gravity” by John Mayer with Grammy-winning producer John Alagía (who produced for Mayer). Jamie is nervous, but Ryan agrees to change the pitch for her, which is supposed to be this grand gesture. They record the song and sound good doing it, although I do hope that this show ends up featuring at least one crappy musician (besides Michael Todd). They go onto the roof and make out.
Matt gets the second date card, and we’re made to believe he’s going to take Rudi, who is regretting not kissing him in the hot tub. Surprise! He takes Mel instead, an indie singer from Brooklyn. Rudi goes scorched earth, trashing Matt to the entire house and saying he agreed to take her first — which, judging by what we saw, didn’t happen at all. (Who knows what we did or didn’t see?) But Matt and Mel are treated to a Plain White T’s concert. Their chemistry is somewhere between “milquetoast” and “nonexistent.”
The rose ceremony beckons, but, of course, the cocktail hour comes first. Sheridan wants Julia’s rose, but she’s a hot commodity: He stumbles upon Josh, a “young, jacked Mr. Clean,” making out with her. He knows he needs to pull out all the stops — or at least a guitar, so that’s unsurprisingly what he does. He leads Julia into a room and plays her a song he started writing this week. She’s super down and immediately leans in for a kiss.
It’s very clear that “Can I play you a song?” is going to be this show’s version of “Can I steal you?” Are these women really that impressed? Everyone in this house plays the guitar.
Speaking of which, Trevor is nervous about Jamie’s awesome date with Ryan, so he pulls the same move. “Can I play you a song?” he asks once they’re in a room together. That tune is “Slow Dancing in a Burning Room,” one of his favorite songs of all time. Coincidentally (or not), it’s by John Mayer, whose “Gravity” was previously covered by Ryan. Yep, Trevor tried to out-John-Mayer him.
“I was scared to play it for you,” Trevor says. Really? Why were you scared? You didn’t write it. You’re not baring your soul; you’re baring John Mayer’s soul. It’s a great song. I play that song for people all the time, and never once have I been scared. Regardless, Jamie is into it, and soon they’re aggressively making out again.
Meanwhile, Matt realizes his relationship with Mel is going nowhere, so he tries to weasel his way back in with Rudi. She shuts him down like it’s a gathering of 10 or more people during a pandemic. She rips him apart for allegedly reneging on his offer to take her on the date, which, again, may or may not have happened. “I’m pretty sure I’m screwed,” Matt says. Meanwhile, Rudi is soon twerking and exposing her underwear to an acoustic rendition of … Michael Todd’s “Hot Touch.” This show is a hot mess, and I can’t decide if I love it or I want it to die a long, painful death.
The rose ceremony comes, and a bunch of anonymous gals give their roses to a bunch of anonymous guys. The important ones: Jamie chooses Trevor over Ryan, because she’s 21 and is clearly more attracted to him. Julia picks Sheridan instead of Mr. Clean. Cheyenne, who says maybe one word throughout the show, bails out Matt (thanks, producers!) so his Rudi saga can continue. Rudi bails out Ryan (thanks, producers!) so the Ryan-Jamie-Trevor love triangle can continue. We say goodbye to Michael Todd (RIP), Mr. Clean and two guys whose names are allegedly Russell and Jack.
The show is watchable, and a welcome distraction in a year where we probably won’t get any other “Bachelor” content. The music adds an extra element because, not only do these singles want Instagram followers, they probably want a recording contract as well. I may come to my senses and realize this is hot garbage during the second episode, but for now, I’ll see you folks next week.
